I’ve been feeling very sick lately.  I haven’t left my house in 2 days.  Hopefully this will all go away soon.  On top of that, I’ve been feeling kind of down lately.  I don’t know why I have these occasional self loathing moments so often, but I’m sure everyone does.  Right?  Every time I feel like I’m getting things together something happens that messes with my head.

Something happened to me earlier this week that put the breaks on plans that I made.  And I feel like such an idiot.  Not for what happened, but because I had hope.  It just seems that every time I have high hopes for something, it never works out.  So after the event I’m out driving around, feeling sorry for myself and I hear for the first time “Perfect” by Pink.  I didn’t catch everything the song said, but I got the first parts of it good enough that I came home and found it and gave it a good listen.

When I get down on myself, I get real down.  And it’s a horrible habit.  I start thinking that I’m destined for continuous failure.  I second guess myself right into mistakes, then make mistakes within mistakes.  Mistakeception.  Why can’t I ever get it right?  Am I really not a smart person.  This is what is going on in my head.  It’s something I’ve been working on changing.

It isn’t easy to think positively about oneself for long periods of time.  We hit the wall sometimes.  What I need to learn to do and I’ve said it in blog posts before is keep an positive attitude no mater what happens.  I’m not trying to meet anyone’s expectations of me because I’m at the point in life where I don’t care about other peoples opinion of me.  My raging battle is always from within.  If I can convince myself not to think less of myself, I’d be a lot better off.

I get what she’s saying if you ever feel like your nothing, you are perfect, in the sense that you can’t let other people bring you down.  You also have to resist the urge to be your own worst enemy, as I am.  Luckily, I sought out and am now surrounded by positive and great people who I can talk to when I get to this low point.  Hopefully, they’ll get fewer and fewer as I’ll get better and better.  This song really made me feel better.


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